catharsis;otherwise worthless.

jk.

I do feel kinda bad though. One of my pretty good friends kinda got engaged (in a 4 year relationship) right when Mike and I started having problems. So while I said all the right things, I kinda didn't go out of my way, or even avoided, talking to her about it. Since I really couldn't deal with it. Since I thought that should be Mike and I. BUT. It kinda turns out that she and Chris (her fiance) had been having prettttty much similar problems. And she had really wanted to talk to me all semester about it, since she knew I could relate in ways her other friends couldn't. But she didn't, because I was so upset the whole semester. So now I feel like a kinda shitty friend, lol. But we talked last night, and I let her know that helping her does not, in fact, make me more miserable. If anything it distracts me. Plus I want to help. So that's good, that she finally told me. I hope things work out for her and Chris, but it's not really looking good, as least in the long run.

So...once again dearest world, why you gotta be shitting on everyone I know!?!?!?

Day 04 → Your favorite book

Hands down, Peter Pan. It has been since I was fairly little.



Especially this version that I own, which has over 50 oil paintings inside the pages done by Scott Gustafson. I know these pictures almost as well as the story of eternal youth, cockeyed innocence, flying, game, adventures with pirates, mermaids, Native Americans, the lost boys...

It's perfect in every way. It makes me feel at home, it makes me feel complete, it makes me feel connected, it makes me warmhearted, it makes me clap my hands because I do believe in fairies! I do, I do, I do!




(Previous entries.)

We got a lot of ( snow )

Yesterday I went to Karen's house with Jen and we exchanged Christmas gifts. As one part of their gifts, I made them mix cd's. Karen's was pretty easy to make, but for Jen I had to look up all of this country music that I don't listen to. I think/hope they both liked them though. They got me some really nice gifts. Karen got me shirts that I really like, and Jen got me tea pajamas (that came with a matching headband haha) and a Belle ornament.

I'm sick, so I've been having really weird dreams, which is cool. I'm going to go back to sleep now.

Day 03 → Your favorite television program

Six Feet Under changed my life and opened up my mind. It introduced me to Michael C. Hall, gave me more epicness with Carla's brother Marco, and started a dream of Topanga Canyon residency. It was perfectly written and beautifully shot.



I fucking love this show.

(Previous entries.)

Me: i think it's hilarious that people are so offended by jersey shore for the term guido
Me: it's like
Me: what else do you want me to call them?
Laura: haha i know "tanned americans"

Day 02 → Your favorite movie

Another effortless answer. Heathers always has been and always will be my absolute favorite movie of all time.



(Previous entries.)

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

I feel like all I do is pull people down. I used to believe in nice things, but I don't think I do anymore. I believe in the Maybes and One Days and I don't think it's enough like it used to be.

I don't like this negative space I have surrounding me, but I don't think it's going away.

All I have around me are people who want me to follow them or don't want to follow me and I've adapted into this loner to compensate. I need to get away from everyone I know. I need to be forgotten by everyone who knows me; it feels like it's heading that direction anyway and it sounds less painful if I accept it.

Maybe this is just my traditional holiday blues talking, but I don't know... Nothing I've ever thought around this time of year made me this sad before. Words and advice make me feel about the same as no recognition at all. It no longer feels real anywhere around me.

I seriously just got honked at because I was turning right into my complex, with my blinker on, because the guy behind me was tailgating and didn't have time to react.

Honked. At ME. Next time this happens, I'm putting the car in park and I don't care what comes of it.

Fuck this day and fuck the human race and fuck this week; this little moment alone perfectly sums up how working during the holiday season has gone for me so far. I hope Christmas brings the Apocalypse and I can watch Tempe burn from my rooftop with a margarita in my hand.

Christmas hasn't been about joy and peace on earth and good will towards man for so long and now I get to experience that firsthand, pretty much directed exactly at me, working at corporate America.

Santa Claus is dead to me all over again.

Love, love, love this scene and this song.

We got so much snow last night that my car was practically buried. I really wanted to go outside and run through it, but I have a bad cold so I decided not to. I can't believe that it isn't even winter yet and we had such a big blizzard.

Found by laurelcrowned.

Day 01 → Your favorite song.

( Up next... )

While I love so many songs, finding a favorite is not that hard for me. Panic at the Disco's That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed).



I don't know why, but this song just came out at the right time for me. It was something I needed to hear and it quickly became my anthem. It still is, and I guess my explanation really is as simple as that.

I'm so fucking tired. I thought breaks meant I got time to sleep. Apparently, not when you work retail and getting an abundance of nanny/housekeeper hours.

Plan on catching up with my flist in the morning. But for now, meet my friend Dan. Watch his video. He's the kid with the awesome reaction shots.







P.S.
Teachers, stop being lazy assholes and post my grades. You've had all my work for over an entire week. The deadline to have them in is tomorrow.

Jesus, why does ASU suck so much in every way imaginable?

I finished all of my Christmas shopping today! It probably wasn't the best idea to go when we had a blizzard warning, but I survived. I went with my sister and her friend who basically attacked me the entire time. They sprayed me with cologne, smacked me with toy swords and a large crayon bank and pelted me with snowballs while I was carrying Starbucks to bring home for my mom.

By the time we actually finished shopping it was snowing really heavily, so I quickly went and dropped off Christmas gifts for the kids I babysit and then went home and spent most of the night watching movies.

Not entirely positive, but I'm pretty sure both Logan and Mike are severely disinterested. It's hard to tell with Logan because he's so quiet and unenthusiastic about everything. And I really need to get away from Mikes anyhow. But I guess we shall see.

New person who I am actually attracted to! Jon...coworker at Open Pantry. Also double major in music (performance) and business. 20, tall, blonde, average build. Hilarious. I worked a six hour shift with him last night and he was just so nice and funny and easy to talk to and funny and hilarious and awesome that I sorta became completely enamored with him. Which is what I do. We hadn't worked together in a really really long time (since at least a few weeks before mike and I broke up) so I hadn't really thought about him. And I kept forgetting that he was younger than me, which is a good sign. Idk though. I have a hard time determining whether guys are flirting with me in an interested fashion, or whether they are just being nice. Maybe you guys can help determine this...

-He commented on my weight loss, in conjunction with saying that the jeans I was wearing really looked good, and he added especially since I always used to ear baggy jeans to work. (Which means he's been noticing my physical appearance for awhile?)

-He said that hanging out with me would be fun.

-I made some comment about awkward people, and how some are just awkward to the point of being cringeworthy, but I try to sort of be..."adorably awkward" and he said that I hit the nail on the head.

-He just generally agreed with me the entire night about a lot of things. Which could be simply that we have a lot of things in common, or he was just being nice or polite. Idk.

So...can I determine if he's possibly interested? Or just being nice?

Also things that are happening in my life: Classes are over! I want to talk about my art final that I did on here, but it's simply too long, and I must begin Christmas shopping. Soon though. Umm what else? Classes went well. I think I got one or two B's actually (gasp! for like the first time in FOREVER) but I'll admit that at least in the one class I deserved them. I mean...I left the lab early every single day, and wandered the halls for most of the time I actually was supposedly there. So. But...I think it was the healthier choice honestly. I needed to talk to people about things, I needed to chill myself out. And those times helped. So they're worth a B.

My sister said I look anorexic yesterday. She's such a little ray of sunshine. Let it be known for the people who haven't seen me in a while...I look far from anorexic. I'm still a whopping 180 lbs. My sister was mostly referring to the fact that my old clothes fall off of me, and I look like I child playing dress up in them, and the fact that between the crying, stress, and lack of sleep...I have huge permanent bags under my eyes and generally look more than a little haggard. So. Self esteem boost there. Woot!

What else??? I can't decide whether or not to go to Cali. On the one hand, I really miss my friend, or whatever he is and I would really fucking love to get out of Wisconsin. On the other hand, idk if putting myself across the country from everything and everyone I know is really a safe situation. Given recent events in my life (even if we completely disregard the break up)I'm having a really difficult time trusting people, particularly men, right now.

Kittens! I can't decide when to get one. There are a lot of factors floating around. Whether I go to Cali. How many hours am I gonna be out of the house this semester between school, work, and rehearsals. Because I don't want to never be there for a kitten, obviously. Whether I might be spending a decent amount of nights at someone else's abode. I also don't know whether to get one from the humane society, or just a free one.

Idk. I gotta go...there's more going on in my head. More later.

I saw Jen for the first time since the end of July. When she left, she was supposed to come back sometime in September or October, and then for Thanksgiving, but that just never worked out. It was really awesome seeing her though. Even though she lives so far away, she's still the person I talk to the most from High School.

We didn't know what to do, so we ate lunch and then went on a mission to find sweater vests. Jen and I can both appreciate some of the nerdier things in life, and sweater vests happen to be one of them. I think they look so cozy and comfortable and they remind me of Christmas, and Jen likes them too, so we decided we should try and find some. We didn't have any luck, but I think we are going to try again sometime while she is still here.

It's supposed to snow a lot tomorrow. Since I don't have school or anything that I have to do, I'm pretty excited for it.

I feel like I've been really disconnected from livejournal lately, so I'm sorry about that. I have just been really busy with finals and stuff, but now I'm free so I should be commenting more!

This book is too precious beyond words. After reading it, it makes you stand up straighter (especially if you get a good night's sleep on top of that).

One more final tomorrow and then I'm done!!

Here's my romance update, since I was really only holding back to spare Mike's feelings, but...I'm not entirely sure that he has any, and I'm also almost 100% positive that I'm no longer his friend here, so it really doesn't matter. And...I should be able to write about the good stuff that's happening in my life too, right?

Let me start out by saying that is has amazed me how easy it is to find guys who are interested in me. I guess that's what I get for not experiencing the single life since I was 16. So...guys.

There was A...he didn't last long. Bad kisser and too old.

There was Bradley, but...I don't see that one going anywhere. He's really nice, and funny, and geeky, and we've hung out a few times, but I get kinda an underlying asshole vibe from him. Kissing abilities unknown.

Jay...amazing kisser and...other stuff. But emotionally closed off, and has two kids. Emotionally closed off is pretty much #1 on my list of "absoutely not fucking dealing with" in a man.

Isaac...definitely into me, but once again, a little too old. (33)

There was Ron, who I went and got coffee with once. He was actually TOO awkward, which I didn't think was possibly for me.

Then I met Chad, right before Thanksgiving. And he has been absolutely wonderful. He's funny, and nice, and smart, and dorky, and he's silly with me, and he's really good at kissing and whatnot, and cuddling, and he makes me forget that I'm sad. He even makes me on the verge of being happy. He's in California (he left dec 11th) until the second semester starts...I might go see him in January. He wants me to, and I feel like getting out of here might do me some good. (Although at this rate I'm a little afraid the plane would crash). He's a philosophy grad student, 25, brown hair, green eyes. Muscular, with a little belly though. :P lol But he actually like...cares about me. And will listen to me cry about Mike if I want to. Without running away or freaking out. But he's nice. And I like him. I'm not his "gf" or anything, just kinda casually dating. Not exclusive. Things are kinda...complicated in a way that I don't know how to explain on teh intarwebz. So...I don't think it can turn into anything serious (not that I'm ready for that anyway) but it's still fun and making me happy.

There's also Mike G., a guy in my drawing class. He's really sweet and funny, and talented, lol. I just started talking to him a few days ago, but he's been flirting a lot...and I'm not entirely opposed, haha. He's not that good-looking, but I don't much care. He's not bad looking either. Brown hair, glasses, a little chubby (but I kinda prefer that on guys). He just seems very genuinely nice.

And then there's my first real...like...giddy crush since I was 16. Being Logan. Who is so good looking. And funny, in a soft spoken way. And smart, and talented. And like...stereotypically cool... in a he wears tight jeans and is a drummer in a band type of way. He actually kinda looks like Ben Lee a little bit, but with buddy holly glasses. He has curly dirty blonde hair, and a kinda big nose :) and is just really cute. A few inches taller than me. Really wiry. He's a tech theatre BFA, I work with him and he's also in my stagecraft class. It's so stupid...I've kinda forgotten how to flirt with people I actually care about impressing. I mean...it's easy if you don't really care how the person responds...it's a lot harder when you actually like them. He is so quiet too. But, he might be coming to hang out tomorrow night, so I am excited for that possibility. I get so nervous and quiet around him, it's so silly. And I thought I was getting good at this flirting thing. Ha.

There have been a few other guys who have expressed interest, but nothing worth mentioning.

I went and saw The Princess and the Frog last weekend, and I already want to go see it again. A few more times. It made me a child again, spirited, hungry, it made me relate to the new princess possibly more than any of the previous ones, and want to dance and become a New Orleans resident.

Oh, and then there was him...



Sorry Beast, Prince Naveen has dethroned you as my favorite Disney Prince. I can see myself ending up with someone most like him... Constantly making me exasperated. But he can dance and is bumbly when in love, so that's okay.

GO SEE IT!







Oh, also, officially meet my favorite Disney Villain.



What a fabulous badass.

I think my final project is gonna be really fucking cool, once I get it finished. I'm so glad I started taking art classes again, I really missed it so much. It's so much more fun than acting. And I'm better at it, I think. lol.

Reading a good book right now. And it's one of those literaturey types.

Took a leap of bravery, and sent a few people messages/ started talking to a few people I've always wanted to get to know better but have been too shy to in the past. And all four of them turned out positively. Not one of them said...Jackie you're lame and ugly and I hate you. One was happy to hear from me (they were an old acquaintance) another said that life would be more interesting if there were more people like me, and the other two may be joining dinner and wine night on thursday. New friends are exciting.

I also got to talk to a person I've been missing since they left last week (they're spending the next month and a half in cali) and they've been a great support for the last few weeks. I am even considering possibly flying out to visit them for a bit. If only because seeing Cali, esp in the middle of fucking january, would be AWESOME.

On the other hand, world, you're still doing a shit job. I just found out that another one of my friends is in a terribly fucked up situation.