catharsis;otherwise worthless.

Revision

Fri, 08 May 2009 15:28:20 GMT

I almost depend on it always being too late to do anything. I compulsively waste time and I can't seem to break the habit, as hard as I try. There is nothing short of misery in depending on a gpa to make yourself content. I couldn't open the back door today and I don't know why.
Something with the scent of failure. I would hope that this were just something in passing, but I know better. and I know I need to stop wasting time. Why? That I can't answer. But for that I am perpetually living in the future. What else is there. Moments in between.
and I am never living for now.

itch.

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:06:18 GMT

So many American troubles I can't count, can't help but scream
because boredumb is the most of my troubles and the least
is the cleanliness of the tap water
[which is suspect to
contain traces of narcissus' rotting corpse,
infecting the population faster
than the black plague riding on the backs
of rodents].

She says it's all about being normal.
I say it's all about being excepted

jamie.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 22:25:27 GMT

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333.

frustration

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:04:32 GMT

This afternoon, after I got up, I spent about an hour deciding what to write back to my teacher.. and then he ignored my clever little part about asking him if he missed class.. I guess I'm pretty lame. ha ha. Especially considering that I spent that long trying to figure out what to write back to a teacher.. haha.

It was a good day. I didn't have anything to do so I got everything done I wanted to. I woke up around one, and I was suprised Katie was still in bed. She was only still asleep because she was sick and had trouble sleeping. Usually she gets up really early. Tonight she's coughing a lot, and I feel bad because she has her calc final at eight. I feel bad enough that she's taking calc, let alone taking the final when she's gotten only a couple hours of sleep and is sick.. ah, I'd die...
Dramatic? I'd fail, either way. I don't even remember ap calc, and it wasn't that long ago. anyways, after I took an hour to write my teacher a three line letter, and took a break from talking to Jam(haha.) I took a really long shower. I didn't get out until around 3. What a waste of water!
I was supposed to help himmelmann move her stuff today, and I was going to go to Southside after I picked up my mail from the mailroom since my nieghbor told me she mailed me my christmas card. But before I left, Brando came in the room, and I ended up going to Pat's room with him. He met my room mate for the first time, so hopefully Katie doesn't think I am such a loser.. haha.
I ended up staying in Pat's room with Brando, Phil, pat and his room mate for about another hour or so. they are so funny, they joke around like I do with girls.. only with guys, of course. It's hysterical. They're going to some movie tomorrow night and I'm going with them, supposedly. I saw Sam on the way out, and it turned out he was on his way to the union too. So we walked together. It was actually the first time I went into GUS, and I bought an energy drink with my meal plan. It was sweet. Sam was getting food and eating there, and I was already really late to Himmel's. But it ended up that a few kids from philosophy club were there, and they knew Sam, so they started talking and I couldn't get in the 'bye'. I've also met them before, but I didn't know if I should say anything, since I wasn't sure if they'd remember me. This one night, Sam was planning on going out and I was going to go with him. But Pat ended up coming and wanted to go to the Philosophy club party, so I went there. Everyone was already drunk/high when we got there, and it wasn't very exciting. But anyways, I'd met them and remembered them, but I didn't know if they would remember me, so I said nothing. and waited. haha.
After told Sam bye, I went downstairs to the mailroom and got my mail. Turns out that Danielle gave me 15 dollars. I don't know how I feel about that, mostly because I have no money to get her anything, but also because she's only in 8th grade. I mean, she's not poor, but she still doesn't have that much money to be giving away.. haha. doesn't really matter..
Anywho, by the time I got on Southside Amanda was already going to dinner with Sarah, so I just met them at RJ. We had a good dinner, then went back to move himmelmann's stuff across campus. Her dorm building is really nice. It's new, so it's a given, but I didn't expect it to be THAT nice.
When we got back to himmelmann's room, Beth and her dad were there with Olga, moving all of beth's stuff in. It was really rude of them, I thought, to touch himmelmann's desk and her bed and her things, since she still has to live there until tuesday. Apparently beth spent the night there too, even though it's still himmel's room. she didn't say anything, of course. her being her. but whatever, I guess it doesn't matter so much. Sarah and I went to wegeman's to buy ice cream. Actually, we bought ice cream but we went to buy cookie dough. I also bought more candy canes to stick onto my door for people to take. Katie came up with the idea, but it looks really cool. Claire stopped by for a second, and Katie's friends Reggie and Alex, so I gave most of them candy canes. I am so in the christmas spirit! You should see our room, it has christmas lights and a mini triee, a count down and stockings.. and we are always listening to christmas music. haha. We are so cool! I love it.
Sarah left to go back to himmelmann's dorm to study. Himmelmann stayed up until a few minutes ago because she couldnt sleep with Beth and Olga talking.. She was writing Casey's essay for fifty bucks. A worthy sum, but I would just tell the other people I want to go to sleep.
I organized stuff in my room and I talked more to Jamie. Jam is going to get so sick of me... :]
I was supposed to write out my christmas cards so I could mail them tomorrow, but I guess I'll do both tomorrow. haha. I am so on top of things! I can't wait for sunday night when I realize I haven't studied for english at all.. haha.

sitting on my crucifix

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:36:03 GMT

I have headphones in, so I can't tell how loud I'm typing. Katie is sick so I'm trying to be quiet, but I can't tell if I'm actually being a jerk.. haha, ohwell..!

And Happy Birthday again, Liz. You're old! haha. One more year and you won't be a teenager anymore. Imagine how cool you'll be when you're twenty and dressing up for halloween. Can't wait! :]

Today was a day, as any other. So I'll start off with today by telling about yesterday. Actually, the day before yesterday.
For two days straight I didn't go to sleep until 6, and I forget if I already wrote about this; forgive me if I did. I had an 8:30 class on Monday, and then 9:30 and 12:30. I was really tired all day since I only got the two hours of sleep, which was my fault anyways. I don't even know what I do to waste time. Take this example, tomorrow I'll wondering what the fuck I was still doing up now and why I didn't wake up until 12 or 1.
I think the whole sleep thing is why I never get anything done. I should just give it up or attempt to adopt normal habits. But I hate mornings, so to do that I'll have to adjust my perspective on them.
uhhh... Anyways, I went to bed early on tuesday morning, because I only had the one day left to study for Chem and Bio on Wednesday. I went to bed at four, which was two hours earlier than the nights before, but it meant that I still slept in until 1 on the study day. I showered, panicked a little, then finally got my act together around 4. I had to borrow a calculator from the library since I don't own one, and they go out on four hour loans. Abigail, a girl in my bio group, came over and we studied the bio homework together. It wasn't helpful to the whole Chemistry situation, but it was still somewhat useful. At quarter to 8, I had to bring back the calculator, but I ended up renewing it for another 4 hours. I had a floor meeting at 8, then I went back to studying until 12. It wasn't a lot of fun. I brought back the calculator and went to bed after looking over chem and bio again until 1. Katie was sick again, so she was up coughing for a while. I felt bad for her, I know she didn't get much sleep because I got up before her, and that rarely happens. I woke up at 7 and got up shortly after. The test was at 8, a half hour earlier than class started. I saw some kid walk in an hour late and I thought, damn, he's smart. I finished around 10, even though we had until 11, and Hillary wanted me to go and stud with her in the library before Bio. I don't study in groups well, and it was snowing a lot, so I stayed in my room an studied instead. The test was at 12, I think I did alright, but they haven't graded them yet.
I was the last one out of the test between Hillary, Himmelmann, and I, and we were late to lunch because of me. We got there at 2, when the dining hall closes. We had a quick lunch. Abortion came up again, and I love debating, so I was trying to debate himmelmann. It got into me debating the point of debating. My perspective is that debating is fun, the point of debating, to me, is to find holes and shortcomings of your own argument, so as to better improve your reasoning. I think it'd be boring if Himmelmann suddenly decided to be pro-choice. There'd be nothing to debate because she'd just agree with me. I am a loser. I debated debating.. wow.
I went back to Himmelmann's dorm and we went looking for a lounge to sit in so she could study for her chem exam. The first one we went into was the quiet study area, and we got distracted wiriting notes back and forth. We found one where we could talk and I tried to help her for a bit, then I wrote out arguments on abortion. I like arguing with myself too, apparently.
This is pretty retarded, but my reasoning behind being pro-choice is the idea that the fetus is not an individual organism, that it can't exist alone and therefore has no real value except the potential to become something, and that the right to have an abortion is an individual choice, and should not be made by anyone except the person who is pregnant, because they are the only ones affected. But I run into shortcomings when I take the position that all life is valuable, which I don't believe, but himmelmann does. And then there is the conditionality of murder, how it is sometimes justified in the name of a country or self defense, but if equated with this it's something like murdering a parasite. I don't know how I could argue it better yet, I only hope to somehow realize my position in light of her's. I don't know if it's even possible. eh. I'm easily entertained. haha.
Sarah called to see if I wanted to go to Walmart with her and Ravina, so I did. I bought way too much; soda, cookies(for himma), Beetle the Bard(which was cheap, and I didn't like, so I am giving to Jam.. haha), and Subway, since they have a resturaunt in the front of the store. I went back to Himmel's afterwards and we ate our subs together and all the cookies and I drank two of the things of soda I had bought. She gave up studying around 9 and I fell asleep on her bed after I'd finished reading the Harry Potter thing. I am so cool!
I walked back to my dorm and chatted with Jam, of course. Katie came back to the room, and Jam was offended cause I wasnt talking to her anymore. Katie had made these chain things to decorate the door for christmas, and one of her friends had made a snowflake. She stuck up some candy canes too. She didn't seem sick until she actually went to bed around 2. I was doing laundry, and I thusly had an excuse to be up until 3. Now I'm just bullshitting because I'm not tired yet, but I should go to bed, since Katie always gets up way before me. I feel bad making her be in the dark during the day, although it's the same for me now. haha. I guess it doesn't matter at this point anyways, since we're going home on tuesday.
I can't wait for D.C.! Although, I'm missing drum corps to go there. I think it's an okay trade. :]
haha. Jam who I talk to all the time for the people I havent seen since August. She should feel special.

haha

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 08:35:28 GMT

well, I should tell you that I sent Jamie a link to this, so now she can read it too. Apparently she is only going to read the parts about her though..
So the whole thing. haha.

I didn't mean to go to sleep yesterday, but around six I got bored and tired, so I changed my mind and fell asleep. I woke up when Katie's friends came into the room, uninvited, to get her to go to brunch. Apparently one of them woke up drunk still and didn't have the decency to leave us sleeping. haha.
I didn't actually get up until one, and Amanda wasn't awake yet. We didn't make it to brunch. I tried to study, I really did. I got all ready to and then...
I started talking to JAMIE. ha ha.
we had a good chat. Even when she left to go eat I didn't actually do any studying. We started doing the talk thing (because I suck at typing and I hate it)for like twenty mintues. Amanda called and Jamie was still talking with me, so now Amanda probably thinks I'm obsessed with Jamie too. haha.
I went to dinner at Rj, which is the dining hall on the other side of campus, near where everyone else lives. I brought all my stuff to study with, but I ended up texting Jamie for a while from Himmelmann's phone anyways. It turned out that Phil and Steve, two of the kids who live in the basement of my dorm, were over there too, doing a secret santa thing. It also turned out that this gil, Hannah, who is really nice and I don't know to well, was now dating steve though I thought she was dating Phil last week or something.. Maybe it's a room mate thing, I don't know. David Campbell was also there, this kid I met a while ago, but have never really talked to. He seems nice when I see him though.
Himmelmann read up to where I had read in the english book and then we went in the loungue in the basement of her dorm to finish the book. I didn't leave there until around 2 30 and it was snowing on the way back.
Anyways, I came back here and I meant to do work, but facebook is so fucking annoying cause I cant do anything on it.. so I got distracted.
Turns out that Mike is not going to talk to me. I never knew that something so stupid could be so mean.. I left him a comment which referenced his sexual orientation and he deleted it. He also deleted the one I left when I asked him to go to the concert with us, which I orignally thought he just hadn't seen or something. (that one didnt have any gay joke, just an invitation.)
I'm assuming this means that Mike Souza and I are no longer friends. It makes me sad to know that this kid I've known since sixth grade isn't going to talk to me anymore. and that it's mostly my fault. ah well..
Himmelmann tells me lollie and john burke are dating. wierd. just wierd.
College is a crazy place..

And I will read your journal entries liz! Im tired now though, from typing all that. ha ha.

I am a piece of wood.

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 10:22:09 GMT

Hi Liz!
Don't you love the exclusivety of this? haha.
I'm going to write exactly what I did today, starting with yesterday night.

Twilight. It's a terrible thing, but everyone does it. I've seen it WITH JAMIE twice, and Ravina, Sarah's room mate, hadn't seen it yet and didn't want to. So Sarah decides we should drag her to see it. Meaning me, himmelmann, and her, all of which supposedly hated the film. Himmelmann is always doing stuff for other people, and I decided to go along just because she was going to suffer through the movie again, and she wanted my company. But I made her pay for me. And then I slept through it. The only bad part was Sarah talking through the whole thing, which was kind of rude to the people there, and kind of made me want to hit something. But I ignored it by sleeping for most of the movie.
Anyways, I wanted to walk back to campus afterwards. It's what I do. Who cares if it's two am, eighteen degrees out, I want to walk back to my dorm. Amanda didn't like that idea. Sarah pulls the car up to where I'm walking, Ravina and Amanda get out and try to drag me back into the car. Obviously, I'm massive, so I win. But Amanda couldn't take a hint, even when I was actually getting annoyed and told her to seriously stop it. They finally gave up and settled on driving along side of me while I walked. Turned out someone called the cops because they thought I was being kidnapped. They came, took down sarah's information and mine. I walked back, stopped at the gas station, and went to sleep.

Exciting night, eh? And if you don't mind, please don't mention that you read about this in my online journal? haha. I'd appreciate it.

I woke up around 12, and I only actually got up since I felt bad that Katie was in the room and awake without a light on. But she left anyways, so it was kind of a pointless gesture. I started taking Biology notes, but then JAMIE was online, so I ended up talking to her for a couple hours.
Wow.
I am lame.
Really.

I didn't actually leave my dorm until 6, when I went to Himmelmann's dorm cause we were going to dinner at seven. I was expecting to spend some time in the basement with pat or steve or something, but it turned out that they were all going to dinner with the new RA who looks at me wierd and doesn't seem to like me very much. I think his name is Tim. Or Tom. I forget. I did at least get to see Pat and give him a hug, and Brando was there, and I saw Cameron on the way back upstairs. He was telling me about his night yesterday, which was a really short story, since he didnt actually remember much of it..
Dinner was awkward at best. Me and Himmelmann went back to her room and I fell asleep on the end of her bed(EXCITING, I know). I slept long enough where we missed seeing Elf, though I didnt really want to anyways. Katie and Claire were watching it in the lounge in Jones Hall at nine, but I slept until 10. Himmelmann and I are really easily entertained. I was amused by sending Brandon obscene texts from her phone while she talked on AIM.
JAMIE called, and I talked to her for a while before she brought up Rebecca and how she hadnt seen or talked to her and stew in a while. I tried to do a three way call, but I dont know how, so I had JAMIE call amanda, and I talked to stew and becky. It was fun. Himmelmann ended up drawing in highlighter all over my arm for some reason. she wrote MEAN everywhere.
I stayed a while longer since Olga came back to the room(Amanda's room mate), and we had a conversation about how she speaks Serbia and how they teach French in Canada. They also have emersion schools where some of the classes are taught in french(fascinating, I know!).
I walked back from South Side, which is where Himmel lives, and I thought I'd left my ID in her dorm, which you need to have to get into the building. Turned out that it was in my pocket, not my wallet, since I took it out for dinner. I waited outside for nothing. ha ha
And it was snowing. It was really pretty though, I must say. It actually still is snowing, most likely. I love the snow.
A lot.
uhhh.. what other lame things did I do?
I showered. Hygiene is pretty lame.. I was going to study before, but I got so distracted. Haha. Hope you enjoyed it!
Himmel wants to go to brunch tomorrow.. ha ha. not happening

oh its so distracting

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:55:44 GMT

Because it's easier to disagree. It's easier to pretend there's some sort of meaning behind the references
to the things that never meant anything in the first place.
If living gives life meaning then why aren't we.
This was never living.
It's a different format of the same thing. We breathe in structure.
I want to be so poor that I can't afford a watch. I want to forget what time is,
what the stupid concepts we made up are.
Evidence for the fact that you exist outside your head. The world is how we see it.
the world is exactly what we've made it to be.
She said she can't take this kind of life, there's too much freedom.
He said freedom was all in her head. Freedom kept you reading late into the morning hours,
kept your fingers on the keyboards and your mind numb.
What is it to live or to die if we've never been alive.
And all the things we'll do once we have the education to make enough money to forget everything we've ever learned.
And how disappointed we'll be when the day never comes.

dress up in delusions.
the fucking fifty dollar sweat shirts were all that ever mattered anyway.

there's something to experience

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:23:03 GMT

something to being alive that I can't quite comprehend. That living is not just breathing,
but why? what is it to live in moment. what is it to realize we could die the next.
at one point it was dreaming, at one point nothing but memories.
and it's all we have to exist, all we are is memories of who we were.
but maybe i'm only speaking for myself. maybe it's me writing out of self absorption,
because i look better dressed up in words and print, and they could never be beautiful.
the potential to have potential. but I lack reason. I lack regard. for anyone but myself.
she will drink herself awake and sing herself to sleep and think nothing in between.
between breaths, between bed sheets. between streams of consciousness that don't make sense
within or without of context.
what could i have ever dreamt of or lived for which would have meant something.
pray for the sun to rise and thank god it did. again.
i have no self control.

it's been a month.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:17:02 GMT

Collegefeelsmorelikehomethanhomeeverdid.
sorry I dont miss you.
I try to.
whenever I can...

monotony

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:17:42 GMT

crazy how I wait until the last minute to break every goal I set this summer. it really is much more simple not to set goals and never be let down. standards are a waste of time when you are always below them. I am sickness. nothing that could ever be washed off. this one track life has a disgusting joke of an overplayed chorus. spend forever replaying it. beneath the ground.
wonder what life would look like if there was 'another side'. questions not worth asking because I'll never know or care to.
it's all the same. regardless of the sterile white background or the big empty house. regardless.
know nothing.

blahblahblah.. and everything else you've heard before.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:01:31 GMT

time travel implies that the future is either predetermined or there are an infinite amount of parallel universes with an infinite amount of possible futures resulting from every possible outcome of every possible result from every decision we have ever made individually and its affect on an individual's future as well as the affect on the collective future. time travel also implies that every instant of time is recurring somewhere; that the past is able to be altered because it is infinitely repeating itself.
time travel and the belief of a singular future furthermore makes life pointless because it takes away any sort of free will. if the future is a set course, a predetermined destination, then there is no worth to any decision because it does not alter the course of time. time travel in this sense obliterates any purpose to life since regardless of how one lives their life the outcome is identical.
the idea of alternate realities begs the question of what decisions led to what future, and if there are an infinite number of possible futures, all occurring simultaneously, with an infinite number of pasts also recurring, how could anyone hope to ever return to their original reality? and then the individual actually 'traveling' would cause an infinite branch of more possible futures based on their decisions, meaning also that the original course of the future would be interrupted based on their presence, and they would never be able to see the actual future of their own reality because of their presence.
And if indeed the future is indeterminate, and the past is still recurring, then there must be also an infinite number of pasts based on past decisions which could have been made, and alternate realities which did not come to pass in our perceptions. Which suggests that there are an infinite number of each of us, living in recurring instants of an infinite number of pasts and futures which resulted from all the possible outcomes of all the decisions that could have ever been made.
The idea means an infinite number of universes that might be completely identical save one individual's life where a decision did not have any influence on the collective. It would mean that at alternate universe branched off from the moment someone decided not to put butter on their toast.

I'm boring and dumb. I know.

imagine.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 03:46:40 GMT

a world without me and how wonderful it would be.
it's easy.
I do it all the time.

wierd.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:12:13 GMT

It's as though I don't exist. Maybe I don't. I'm all in my imagination.

You're just another picture to burn.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:25:02 GMT

I'm into a lot of mainstream country. Just recently. Like yesterday I started watching CMT. Or the day before or something.

So.. Today I woke up at seven, but my dad was still here, so I waited in my room until he left. But I didn't actually get out of bed until nine thirty. I didn't sleep well. It was hot in my room and I kept having wierd dreams about my friends. Which is only wierd because a lot of the people I dreamt about I haven't thought about in years, and probably aren't considered friends anymore.
anyways; I watched television. Exciting. I went through a whole mess of episodes of You Are What You Eat that I had recorded and deleted the lot I'd already seen, which was most of them. I left for Hampton Bays around noon to go to my pediatrician and get records of my immunizations. I ended up going to the Hampton Atrium, which was not where my records were, on account of my father not knowing that I never went there. But ti worked out in the end. I stopped at my cousin's, but they weren't there. Coming off their road, this first response vehicle almost hit me. They were going at least 60 in a 35 and didn't have any lights or sirens on. Pulling out is pretty much a blind corner because of all the cars parked on the side of the road from people going into town. They could've killed me if they had hit me, considering the peice of shit grand am I was driving and thier huge tahoe-like thing. Too bad they didn't; the irony would've been amazing. Almost as ironic as getting killed by an ambulance, but not quite.
I went to my new doctor's office to drop off my records,returned cans at Walbaum's, and then to the library to take out The Origin Of Species and return the bell jar and wuthering hieghts. I forgot to get my dad's lab request form from the doctor's office, so I had to go back. I then came home and I have been listening to Brad Paisley ever since. He kind of resembles Christian Bale in my eyes.
blahblahblah.
I'm going to walk on the railraod tracks up to Genovese. Or whatever it is now. rite aid? not sure.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:55:15 GMT

From batgirl2010
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte(currently reading)
8 1984 - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (also currently reading)
14 ~~Complete Works of Shakespeare~~
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger(I didn't like it.)
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 ~~Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne~~
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 ~~Lord of the Flies - William Golding~~
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 ~~Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen~~
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 ~~Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding~~
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 ~~Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens~~
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 ~~The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath~~
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 ~~Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad~~ (I didn't enjoy this)
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 ~~A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole~~ (Ignatius should die.)
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I intend to read Atlas Shrugged, which wasn't on here, and a plethora of other titles not mentioned.. Ceremony of the Innocent was a great novel, though it's received little praise, since few people believe in or care for conspiracy theories intertwined in love stories.. yeah.

juvenile.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:53:44 GMT

Imperfect is the new perfection; idiosyncrasies separate you from all the rest
separate all the rest from each other.
can't we cope with over-the-counter and best intentions?
Bargain bin consequences, because we are overly cautious with taking chances.
Nothing is dirty in the dark, and the best way to not get caught
is to never do it in the first place.
Once intentions really count then you won't have to kill to get free meals.
You won't have to act to be committed.
It's insane, isn't it; the way we see ourselves.
We are not what we own,
but what are we without.
I don't know what's worth looking for or who's worth saving.

If dying is what gives life meaning
then what's the point in playing.

11/10/07 I found this in Word

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:55:19 GMT

Yesterday was uneventful at best. I woke up around 10 and I think I went on the computer. I was talking to dad about something or other, and I made a piece of toast and put peanut butter on it. I didn’t start getting ready until 11, which is when I’m supposed to be at work. I was forty minutes late because I decided to put makeup on. I rode my bike there; it was very cold. There were already guests there; Mary told me later that the bridal party had been there since quarter to eleven, yelling at her to get things done. She set the whole back by herself. Work was boring; I made thirty dollars for the morning and sixty at night. A swan came up to the restaurant, right up to the door. She was huge; beautiful really. She pooed everywhere though, right on the door mat. Her feathers were thin in a small spot along her neck and it made me wonder if they mate the same way mallards do. Laurie complained about me and Amanda, said we didn’t do anything. I disagree. She was mad at me for a while because she walked into a tray I was holding. She phrased it differently, I’m sure. But whatever, it doesn’t matter. The bride and groom were married at twelve and came back around 8 for dinner. I had them, they sat at 23. Gabrielle was telling me how she hated the word ‘Twat’ and I’ve never heard it before so I went ‘TWAT?” and Cindy was coming out of the kitchen, laughed (“tttuhhh”) and spit on Gabrielle. It was hilarious; we were all cracking up for like ten minutes. It turns out Twat means vagina. Who knew.

Table 24 came late, half an hour after we stop serving, and they took forever to eat. They were from another country, I think, and European people tend to be overtly pretentious for some reason (At least the ones in Trumpet’s). They were awful. We were talking to the Spanish dishwasher, I forget her name but it’s really pretty, and learning words from her. She was learning English from us, what little we could communicate. It’s so weird to not be able to talk to her, just because I can tell she’s saying things that mean something, but mean nothing to me. Language barriers are strange..

I did bathrooms, rode my bike home, and dyed my hair. I tried to do tips on it, leave most of blonde, but it didn’t come out how I wanted it to. So I just settled on dying the whole thing. It’s supposed to be a light mahogany brown but it turned out dark on my hair.

I’m waiting for dad to bring me to Doris’ house.

yeahyeah..

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 16:30:19 GMT

"About 2,000 pounds of grains must be supplied to livestock in order to produce enough meat and other livestock products to support a person for a year, whereas 400 pounds of grain eaten directly will support a person for a year. Thus, a given quantity of grain eaten directly will feed 5 times as many people as it will if it is eaten indirectly by humans in the form of livestock products.”
- M.E. Ensminger, Ph.D.

"Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.”
- James A. Froude (1818-1894)

"In fact, if one person is unkind to an animal it is considered to be cruelty, but where a lot of people are unkind to animals, especially in the name of commerce, the cruelty is condoned and, once large sums of money are at stake, will be defended to the last by otherwise intelligent people.”
- Ruth Harrison, Animal Machines

"The philosophy behind vivisection, the sacrifice of creatures we regard as 'inferior' beings, differs little from that behind the concentration camp or the slave trader.”
- Aga Khan (Prince Sadruddin)

"It should not be believed that all beings exist for the sake of the existence of man. On the contrary, all the other beings too have been intended for their own sakes and not for the sake of anything else.”
- Rabbi Moses ben Maimon (1135-1204)

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be vegetarian. We feel better about ourselves and better about the animals, knowing we're not contributing to their pain.”
- Paul McCartney and Linda McCartney

"I don't understand why asking people to eat a well-balanced vegetarian diet is considered drastic, while it is medically conservative to cut people open.”
- Dean Ornish, M.D.

"When I was old enough to realize that all meat was killed, I saw it as an irrational power, to take a weaker thing and mutilate it. It was like bullies would take control of younger kids in the school yard.”
- River Phoenix

"It seems disingenuous for the intellectual elite of the first world to dwell on the subject of too many babies being born in the second- and third-world nations while virtually ignoring the over-population of cattle and the realities of a food chain that robs the poor of sustenance to feed the rich a steady diet of grain-fed meat.”
- Jeremy Rifkin, Beyond Beef

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the 'Universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separate from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”
- Albert Einstein, New York Post, 28 November 1972

"A man can live and be healthy without killing animals for food; therefore, if he eats meat, he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite. And to act so is immoral.”
- Leo Tolstoy

"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
- Elie Wiesel

"Isn't man an amazing animal? He kills wildlife - birds, kangaroos, deer, all kinds of cats, coyotes, beavers, groundhogs, mice, foxes and dingoes - by the million in order to protect his domestic animals and their feed. Then he kills domestic animals by the billion and eats them. This in turn kills man by the millions, because eating all those animals leads to degenerative - and fatal - health conditions like heart disease, kidney disease, and cancer. So then man tortures and kills millions more animals to look for cures for these diseases. Elsewhere, millions of other human beings are being killed by hunger and malnutrition because food they could eat is being used to fatten domestic animals. Meanwhile, some people are dying of sad laughter at the absurdity of man, who kills so easily and so violently, and once a year, sends out cards praying for Peace on Earth.”
- David Coats, Old MacDonald's Factory Farm

I might be doing restaurant work this summer, again. And it's impossible to justify it.
I am hypocrisy, in the worst of ways.

For Liz

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:08:32 GMT

I haven't felt like continuing the story.. So I'll write about my day, just for you.
Appreciate it.
Or else...
I'll tell the world about your eating disorder.
Yes, I swear it.

haha.

I missed dawn this morning; I must have not noticed it, usually I like to watch. For what reason, I don't know. It's virtually the same every morning. I just noticed that when I finally turned off the lights it was still bright in my room. It was a bit of a disappointment. I woke up late, as usual, and in doing so I ended up about twenty minutes late for the chemistry final. Mrs. Tuttle decided to hold it during the lunch hour in between scheduled exams. It was easy though; just an old chemistry regents which the class did together, meaning we all recieved perfect scores(which is wonderful considering it counts as twenty percent of our final grade.)

Donnie is doing is homework upstairs. 'I HATE school.'
and he's only in kindergarten.
eck.

We finished the collective effort a bit early, and thus I was actually on time for the english final. Shivvy had us choose a poem from the anthology for next years ap 12 class. I would have liked to do 'evening in a sanitarium' by Louise Bogan, but instead we had to pick from a list we were given. I chose 'Spring' by Edna Millay. I do love 'Nothing gold can stay', but I think it's probably popular enough that most everyone has already read it.. Especially since it's in The Outsiders, which is a very popular book/movie.
Following the 'exam', Amanda, Stew, and Becky decided it would be best to spend money and get fat(fatter in my case) by going to Friendly's all the way the hell in Medford. For some reason they encouraged me to join them, even though I had no money whatsoever. I have no idea why they bother inviting me anymore, they complain constantly about my bluntness and my sardonic sense of humour. I realize I'm reasonably terrible, self centered, even heartless at times, but if you prefer not to be mocked, then don't invite me out.
Honestly, this is not self pity, more like wondering in written form.
The only person, I believe, who enjoys my company at times is Stewart.
It was a lot of fun though. Indeed. I can't remember a thing we said, or even what we ate, but it was definitely fun. The amount I drank had rebecca accusing me of having diabetes, but I'm pretty sure drinking to much is not the only symptom.
Becky decided to stay at school. She was laying in the little shade of a tree they planted by the back parking lot, one I'd never really noticed before, when I left for home. I went to my father's house, since no one was there, then to my mother's. Michael went with me to Riverhead, Target's specifically, to buy dad a father's day present. He told us he wanted slippers and a lunch box, so we bought slippers and a lunch box. We had to stop at King Kullen for a few things for mom, then we came back to her house. We stayed for only a minute or two, then went to westhampton beach to see our aunt and cousins from delaware who are here on holiday for a week. They were off at the beach when we arrived, so we had to wait for a bit. I mostly just spoke to grammy, even when they came. I felt bad for my aunt, since her children don't really respect her very much. Or at least, they didn't when we were there. I didn't feel like stopping at the library though I just finished Ceremony of the Innocent, which I thoroughly enjoyed, although the ending was so tragic I cried.. Before that I was reading Twilight; I read the whole series in a matter of a few days. They are rather addicting at first, but then it gets annoying. I don't know. Just something about the way they were written. I think it's really only addicting because of how completely in love Edward is with Bella, though Bella is insipid and dull, and unbelievably ordinary. But he's so dedicated to her. A lot of my favourite scenes are just bordering on vamprie porn, which is probably why the book is so completely worthless in a literary sense. But I do like them. Really. I don't think the movie will be anywhere as good, and as I've been telling himmelmann for ages now, that guy playing edward is ugly. uglyuglyugly. And even worse is he was a model before an actor. haha. Not that it means anything..
Anyways. I'm really good at digressing, can you tell? One reason why I tend not to write much about what I do in a day, I end up writing in tangents.
I didn't get another book to read, so I will have to settle on trying, yet again, to read Catch-22. Michael and I came home to dinner mom made, then I came on the computer. I think that's about it. I might play DDR a bit, or read..
But not until I'm done on the computer.

Spring

To what purpose, April, do you return again?

Beauty is not enough.

You can no longer quiet me with the redness

Of little leaves opening stickily.

I know what I know.

The sun is hot on my neck as I observe

The spikes of the crocus.

The smell of the earth is good.

It is apparent that there is no death.

But what does that signify?

Not only under ground are the brains of men

Eaten by maggots.

Life in itself

Is nothing,

An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.

It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,

April

Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers

Evening in the Sanitarium

The free evening fades, outside the windows fastened with decorative iron grilles.
The lamps are lighted; the shades drawn; the nurses are watching a little.
It is the hour of the complicated knitting on the safe bone needles;
of the games of anagrams and bridge;
The deadly game of chess; the book held up like a mask.

The period of the wildest weeping, the fiercest delusion, is over.
The women rest their tired half-healed hearts; they are almost well.
Some of them will stay almost well always: the blunt-faced woman
whose thinking dissolved
Under academic discipline; the manic-depressive girl
Now leveling off; one paranoiac afflicted with jealousy.
Another with persecution. Some alleviation has been possible.

O fortunate bride, who never again will become elated after childbirth!
O lucky older wife, who has been cured of feeling unwanted!
To the suburban railway station you will return, return,
To meet forever Jim home on the 5:35.
You will be again as normal and selfish and heartless as anybody else.

There is life left: the piano says it with its octave smile.
The soft carpets pad the thump and splinter of the suicide to be.
Everything will be splendid: the grandmother will not drink habitually.
The fruit salad will bloom on the plate like a bouquet
And the garden produce the blue-ribbon aquilegia.

The cats will be glad; the fathers feel justified; the mothers relieved.
The sons and husbands will no longer need to pay the bills.
Childhoods will be put away, the obscene nightmare abated.

At the ends of the corridors the baths are running.
Mrs. C. again feels the shadow of the obsessive idea.
Miss R. looks at the mantel-piece, which must mean something.

Nothing Gold Can Stay
(Robert Frost)

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

tears to my eyes...

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:18:03 GMT

It's incredible how much fun it is to make fun of you. Sorry for that.

Fri, 30 May 2008 20:17:50 GMT

He stood undecided for a moment, wondering if he should help her or not, then hurriedly ran after her to see if she was alright. She didn’t look up at him as he bent down next to her.

‘Are you okay?’ He asked, his tone dripping with concern. She blushed an even deeper red as more tears trickled down her face.

‘I hate when that happens..’ She muttered under her breath as she leaned forward to brush dirt from her knees. He offered her his hand and pulled her lightly into a standing position. She swayed precariously back and forth, so he tightened his grip on her hand.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ He asked again.

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ she answered apologetically. ‘It happens a lot..’ She looked down again and said nothing. He released her hand and stared at her conspicuously, wondering if she might fall or start sobbing again. He didn’t think he could handle it if she did and he broke the silence as if to distract her from either possibility.

‘So..’ He reached for something to say, ‘Uh, how about I buy you another lunch and you can eat with me? That way I won’t be eating alone and then I won’t feel so bad for making you waste your lunch..’ Turning her head away from him, she looked as if she was carefully considering his proposition. She mumbled under her breath something about the distance to the bathrooms. ‘What?’ He asked, not sure if she had been speaking to him. She looked up at him, her eyes strangely contorted in an expression of near horror.

‘Oh, uh, I mean..’ She stuttered awkwardly, searching for something to say to him. ‘No, thanks though.’ She finished lamely.

‘Germaphobe?’ He inquired, though not entirely sure if she had meant that she did not want to use the bathrooms.

‘Yeah, kind of.’ She said and appeared to be relieved by his assumption.

‘Oh well, maybe tomorrow then.’ He said without a hint of hope or expectation in his voice.

‘Sure, that’d be fine.’ She said warmly.
He grinned at her sincerity, a bit more confident now. He hoped that she wouldn’t cry tomorrow if someone else was sitting alone. He hid any sort of apprehensions and asked her if she cared to sit with him for the rest of the lunch hour.

Before she could answer the bell rang. She looked at him remorsefully.

‘Tomorrow then.’ He smiled again and turned to go.

‘It was nice meeting you!’ She called to him and he waved in return.

‘Maybe you’ll marry him!’ One of her girl friends had appeared beside her, making her jump.

‘Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t even know his name.’ She retorted.

‘You never know though..’ Her friend beamed back at her.

‘I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t think I’m some kind of freak by the end of lunch tomorrow.. I just hope no one else is eating alone.’

Her friend chuckled. ‘You know, you could try to be normal for once. Maybe he’ll marry you and then you can tell him what a freak you are. See? This could definitely have potential.’
She glared at her friend who was obviously lost to thoughts of her future with the boy she didn't know. She prayed silently that tomorrow would be a good day for her as they made their way back towards the school.

This is really dumb Liz, but anyways... Guess which one you are.

Fri, 30 May 2008 02:30:49 GMT

He looked unusually shy while he sat there eating his sandwich. He ate alone at one of the weathered picnic tables, chewing idly without much interest. His eyes were downcast and unfocused, though on occasion he would glance around him; blushing if he caught anyone’s eye. The tension in his shoulders never subsided through out the duration of his meal, which took nearly an hour as he chewed cautiously and swallowed slowly. Though he was wary that someone was watching him, he could not figure out whom. And so, to distract himself from his fruitless search and useless suspicions, he concentrated intently on staring at his sandwich; fervently trying to ignore whatever was going on around him.

An unfamiliar sound caught his attention and he cocked his head to see what it was. A girl, maybe eighteen years old, with shoulder length brown hair, was trying to muffle the sound of her sobs. Taking her hands off her face, she stared intently down at her uneaten lunch. She glanced sideways at him. He noticed she had gorgeous brown eyes before she turned away in embarrassment. He saw her brush away the tears from her cheek and look dejectedly back down at her still untouched lunch. He felt uneasy looking at her and wondered if it was she who had been staring at him; maybe he was the reason she was crying.

She sat with other people, though she didn’t seem to be talking to them, and they seemed to be unaware of her nearly silent sobbing. He felt an overwhelming desire to ask her if she was alright and maybe even comfort her. He debated internally the pros and cons of such a decision, mulling it over with each careful bite he took of his sandwich. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her stand and walk to the garbage can not more than a couple feet from where he was sitting. Shoving the last bit of his lunch into his mouth, he gathered what garbage he had and sauntered over to the garbage can behind her.

‘Not hungry?’ He asked, noticing she had thrown the entirety of her untouched meal away. She jumped at his voice, blushing a deep scarlet. Instead of answering she stood silently and stared at her feet.

‘Sorry..’ He mumbled awkwardly. She said nothing.

‘Uh, well, I saw you crying and I was wondering if.. you’re alright?’ It sounded reasonably pathetic to him, but he hoped she would at least appreciate his concern. She nodded once, not looking up at him, but glancing uncomfortably to one side.

‘So, uh..’ He could tell he wasn’t exactly being helpful, but didn’t want to give up just yet. ‘Why were you crying anyways?’ He asked, trying to sound nonchalant while he assumed that it was somehow his fault. He probably made her cry unintentionally by looking at her, or maybe just the way he looked, or maybe how he ate.. She blushed again and bit her lip. After a moment he told her she didn’t have to answer, but she looked up at him, another tear crawling silently down her cheek.

Her voice cracked as she spoke in barely more than a whisper, ‘I couldn’t stand to watch you eat alone.’ At that she turned and ran clumsily away, accidentally colliding headlong with a tree.

Laura, I'm a terrible person

Tue, 20 May 2008 02:15:59 GMT

because I keep saying how much I miss talking to you,
and I never do anything about it.
I did A Day in My Life about five times now,
but none of them are anywhere near interesting...
I'm so boring.. ergh..

I saw Super Skinny Me today,
and realized how much easier it is to just focus
on "I'm fat" than to worry about anything else.
Life would seem so much less complicated
if you were only concerned about one thing,
and that thing is as easy to control as saying
'I'm not hungry'.
Even if it's actually
nowhere near that simple.

It's just strange, how we live.
Normality is weird, when you think of it.
I guess I'm glad I'm not one of those kids...

We're kidding ourselves

Sat, 17 May 2008 15:03:45 GMT

idolizing idiots with genetics that gave them the perfect hip bones and an award winning smile.
But who's to say that it's so much different
from all the others gifted with the ability to reason.

strange to realize there is no 'we'.
comforting or not.

..it's too late, but it's okay.
hope you're well.